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It's wonderful to be back with you once
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed it is.

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And in a packed programme tonight, we
shall be meeting with the Irish

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who specialises in stealing free
samples.

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And in our new natural history feature,
we'll be having a look at amazing

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wildlife footage of Italian birds
surrendering to a worm.

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The news.

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American singing star Dolly Parton was
tonight reported to have found the

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favourite guitar she lost 20 years ago.

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It was up her jumper.

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Whilst the thundersly man who crossed
the Swiss cheese plant, a breadfruit

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and an India rubber tree today had his
first crop of British rail sandwiches.

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News tonight, too, that an Irish
scientist has crossed a homing pigeon

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parrot and got a bird that keeps landing
and asking the way.

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lying in a Soho gutter last night
wearing a latex wetsuit, wellingtons and

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rubber gas mask was today found not
guilty of being drunk but fined £20 for

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having less than the required depth of
tread.

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And the Dorsetshire farmer whose chicken
laid a £28 egg held a champagne supper

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last night. The chicken didn't attend as
it was still suffering from shell

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shock.

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And during redecoration at Brentford
Public Library today, high jumper

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Farrington Bland accidentally sat on a
blow lamp and leapt straight into the

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record books.

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London's Heathrow Senior Customs Officer
Cephas Mumby retired today. He shook

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hands with passengers passing through
the customs and confiscated a gold watch

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for himself.

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set on the Costa Smeralda, the Aga
Khan's private resort, which is so

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that yesterday the tide went out and
they wouldn't let it back in.

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Is this the Arnold Murray School of
Dancing? That's right, yes. Mr. Dribble?

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Tibble? Oh, Tibble, yes.

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I expected a much sort of bigger place.
Ah, you're thinking of the Arthur Murray

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School of Dancing. This is the Arnold
Murray School of Dancing, you see. Much

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smaller business, so we can be cheaper.
You understand?

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Yes, yes. Now, you've come for your
first lesson, right? Yes. Am I early?

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No, no, you're fine. Now, we usually
start with the waltz, you see, because

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find that people pick that up fairly
easily. Could I just have your coat,

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please? Thank you.

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I'll look after that for you. There we
are.

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Thank you. That's fine.

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That's lovely.

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Now, excuse me, are you going to teach
me? Oh, yes, yes, I'm actually Arnold

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Murray, you see. Now, I'd like you to
put that on because I'm going to be the

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one that's leading, all right? Oh, yes.
I want you to hold your hand up there.

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Forward side together.

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Forward side together. One, two, three,
one, two, three. Forward side together.

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Forward side together. One, two, three,
one, two, three. Forward side together.

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Forward side together.

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Oh, thank you, Miss Higgins.

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Barton, thank you. Do you mind if I
check the letters? I won't for the

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Because you never know.

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Excuse me, does she work here?

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Yes, occasionally. She's my assistant.

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Couldn't I dance with her?

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I'm afraid not. It's impossible.

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She's one of the untouchables. Oh, I
didn't know Negro girls were

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Oh, this one isn't. Believe me, I've
tried.

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You're a little tense there. I want you
to relax a little. Now, come along. One,

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two, three. One, two, three. Oh, you're
so good to me. One, two, three. Oh,

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you're so good to me.

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I feel a bit silly. Yes, well, that's
because you look silly.

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Don't worry about it. You'll soon get
used to it. I should have thought a chap

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like you would have got used to it
already, really. Listen, have you ever

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thought of bodybuilding? Why?

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Well, I could swap over your dance
lesson fee. You see, I could swap it

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the Arnold Murray Beef Building Fitness
Club. You've already paid your three

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quid. Oh, yes, I sent the postal off.
Well, what do you think about it? I've

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all the equipment.

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Well, doesn't your assistant teach that?
I mean, she looks as though she's got

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all the equipment.

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No,

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no, no, don't worry. I'm fully
qualified. I took a correspondence

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weightlifting, yes. I hold the Golden
Trust.

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I'll soon have you in shape.

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Well, to be absolutely honest, that
shouldn't be my shape. You should have

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me before.

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Do you know I was once as tall as you?
Really? When was that? When I was 11.

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Why don't you try this? Completely free.
Just lie down there. Do a few press

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-ups. No obligation at all. That's it.
Keep a nice straight back.

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Was that you? Oh, no.

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What is it, Miss Higgintop?

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00:04:56,541 --> 00:05:01,059
Oh, Miss Brownlow. Thank you, Miss
Brownlow. You won't be a minute.

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Come here, Miss Brownlow. Oh, hello.

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Would you just pop behind the screen and
take your clothes off? Thank you very

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much. That's it.

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Hello.

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Arnold Murray School of... Sorry.

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Arnold Murray School of Art.

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Arnold Murray Worldwide Book of the
Month Club.

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Oh, yes, madam. Yes, yes. Well, there
are actually two publications concerned

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with the cultivation of crops, yes.
One's mainly for gardeners. That's the

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Weeders' Digest.

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And the other one is really only for
farmers. Oh, that's the one you meant,

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it? Yes, the Breeders' Digest.

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No, I'm afraid there's no pictures, no.

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Your husband wants to make sure he gets
his what?

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Oh, his oats. Oats?

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Only every three years. You see, you
must rotate.

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You must rotate.

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Well, I'll send the book on. If you're
not perfectly delighted in 14 days, we

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retain the money. All right, goodbye.

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Are you all right, Dennis?

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Well, I'd sooner be doing the walks.
I'll work you a second.

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Hello?

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What is it, Miss Hotbottom?

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Mr. Jesson is here. Oh, Mr. Jason. Mr.
Jason. Are you all right? Oh, yes, come

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out, mister.

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Now,

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just sit there, would you? That's the
idea.

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Now, then, how long have you had this
eye trouble?

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Oh, about 300.

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I'd like you just to read what you can
on this card, would you? There.

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Starting with the big A, going on to the
X and the O. Am I too early? No, not at

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all. What is it today?

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Life class. Life class, of course it is.
How are you getting on? I can't see

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from here. Well, get a bit nearer, dear.
Don't strain your eyes. Come on.

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Now, you would help me if you just put
one arm up like that, would you? And one

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arm there. That's it. And put your foot
up there.

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That's it. How's that, Mr. Jason?
Perfect.

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Oh, good.

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Are you the vet?

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Yes, I'm the vet, madam, yes.

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I rang earlier.

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There's something the matter with my
pom.

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Oh, dear. Step behind the screen. I'll
have a look at it for you.

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It's my dog. Oh. My Bomeranium. Yes.
Shall I bring him in? Yes, do bring him

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would you?

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Oh.

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Yes. A step behind the screen. Take your
clothes off. I'll be with you in a

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moment, my dear. Excuse me, I've got to
get back.

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My wife's got a cake in the oven. Oh,
congratulations.

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What are you hoping for?

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Well, we're hoping for a sultana sponge.
That's what went in.

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Do we just get in the hang of it?

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Miss Brown, I wonder if you could come
over and just partner this gentleman for

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me? That's it. Is this lady qualified?

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Well, she certainly looks it to me, yes.

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Not me. Oh, you, yes. Are you ready,
madam? Yes.

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Now, what can I do for you, dear?

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about the job as cleaning lady.

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Yes, would you just come over here and
hold your handbag up there, my dear, up

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there. Put your arm up there. Would you
put up there, dear, would you?

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There we are. How's that, Mr... I think
you'd better have a bigger pad. There

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you are.

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Morning. Oh, hello, Mr Jones.

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How's Lady Jones? Go and sit over there,
would you? Sit over by the chair.

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That's it. Now, I'll get you some music,
you ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes.

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That's it. Here we go.

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Oh, isn't it lovely? Thank you very
much. Just go and sit over with Mr Jones

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there, would you?

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What do you like with animals, dear? Oh,
very good, sir. I love them. Hold this

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one, would you?

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Fancy this done?

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Why not?

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Right. Oh, excuse me.

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Hello.

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Murray Funeral Service.

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Yes.

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Sorry, could you speak up a bit?

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Yes, this is the chapel of rest, yes.

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I'm sorry, no, he's no longer with us,
I'm afraid. No, he died.

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Goodbye.

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It's completely inexperienced. They all
say that. No, as a dance teacher. Oh, I

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see. Now, look, I've paid my money. I
feel I ought to be doing something for

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Certainly should. I don't care what it
is. I've paid my money and I demand

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something for it. Right. How long have
you got, madam? About ten minutes. All

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right. Just sit down there, would you?

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Hello, Miss Hotbottom. Could you come in
and give Mr Dribble the full treatment,

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please? There we are. Now, how do you
like your hair? Short back inside with

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the blow dry.

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Good evening.

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May I say at once, without further ado,
how nice it is to speak to each and

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every one of you.

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No matter where you all may be, on land
or sea or foam, whether climbing up

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Mount Everest or kicking about at home,
I broadcast you all tonight on BBC TV to

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tell you of the creation of a brand new
ministry.

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Here, just a moment. I hear you cry.

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Now, what's all this about? A minister
of poetry? Good God, who let him out?

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It's Margaret Thatcher's brainchild,
this. Our venerable prime missus. I'll

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you, if you'll all pin back your oral
orifices.

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Last Friday week, I left the House of
Commons just on eight. The wife was out

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bingo, so I knew that she'd be late.

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I popped into the local. I was feeling
rather frail. And there stood Maggie

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Thatcher, with her foot up on the rail.

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What are you having, Jack? She cried,
her beady eyes aflame.

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I'll have a pint of mild, I said. She
said, I'll have the same.

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Well, 17 pints later, God, how that girl
can booze.

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We sat on the embankment and she came
out with the news.

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For many years, she mumbled as she
munched the crisps I'd bought her,

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00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,370
folding up the bag and chucking it in
the water.

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00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,999
For many years, I've longed to see this
ancient land of ours return to former

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00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,800
glories and the pubs to longer hours.

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00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:12,860
Those grand old days of Shakespeare when
the folks all spoke in rhyme.

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and the language wasn't full of swear
words all the bleeding time.

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00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:21,519
How nice it must have been to hear a
lilting line that lingers when the

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to the foreman gave two verses, not two
fingers.

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00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,979
If we could recreate the old world charm
of this great nation, the voters would

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forget the shrinking pound, ignore
inflation, and you're the man, dear

197
00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:35,020
said, who can that promise keep.

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00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:38,880
Romance is not yet dead. With that, she
burped and fell asleep.

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00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,610
I covered her with newspaper and left
her on the grass.

200
00:10:44,660 --> 00:10:47,370
Looking every inch a lady and completely
upper class.

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00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,300
In a powder blue ensemble with her hair
all freshly done.

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00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,920
And across her chest, another chest from
page three of the Sun.

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00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:59,379
And that is how the ministry was created
overnight.

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And now it's up to you, my friends, to
see you do it right. Pray have no fear.

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00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:06,999
The task is not as hard as it might
sound. For inside every Englishman, good

206
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,439
English rhymes abound. And each of you
has at some time, I'm sure, as have we

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00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,420
all, inscribed a simple stanza on some
bygone wash house wall.

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00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,879
So off you go. And don't forget, just
like the old graffiti, keep it short and

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00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,170
keep it snappy, keep it fruity, keep it
meaty.

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00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:27,069
So think of all the joys you'll cause
when on a bus you leap at dawn one

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00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:29,300
morning when the world's still half
asleep.

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00:11:29,490 --> 00:11:34,409
A single fare to Euston Square, you'll
warble to the driver, the cost to me is

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00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:36,050
20p, and offer him a fiver.

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00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:40,810
As he looks for £4 .80 change, what gay
thoughts fill his head?

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00:11:41,290 --> 00:11:43,940
With any luck, he'll hand you out a
forklift instead.

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00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,559
The world can be a better place if each
man does his best to choose his rhymes

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00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,420
to match the times. So get it off your
chest. Beneath the old stiff upper lip,

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00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:56,919
the ancient fire still flickers. Come,
fan the flames, and let us get the lead

219
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:57,970
out of our knickers.

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Let onward, England, do your best.

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00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:01,680
Revive our former glories.

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00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:04,160
Let's raise our beers and give three
cheers.

223
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,880
Good night, and up the Tories.

224
00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:23,889
My daughter says I've got to buy the
missus one of these brassieres for

225
00:12:23,890 --> 00:12:24,940
Christmas.

226
00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:28,810
Oh, is she making two puddings this
year, then?

227
00:12:30,630 --> 00:12:31,710
No, to wear.

228
00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:38,249
Only trouble is, I don't know what size
she is. How am I going to describe her

229
00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:39,430
to the salesgirl?

230
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:45,550
Well, you'll just have to say she's like
some everyday object, and she'll know.

231
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,630
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

232
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:50,730
But what shall I say?

233
00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:54,850
Well, is she a melon?

234
00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:57,630
Oh, she's not a melon.

235
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,210
A grapefruit?

236
00:13:00,690 --> 00:13:01,740
No.

237
00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:03,850
An orange?

238
00:13:04,610 --> 00:13:07,570
No. Is she like an egg?

239
00:13:08,050 --> 00:13:10,330
Oh, yeah, that's it, yeah.

240
00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:11,890
An egg.

241
00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:15,500
Freud.

242
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,830
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Dorothy
Brooks.

243
00:14:02,570 --> 00:14:06,650
Let you know when things are going
wrong.

244
00:14:08,090 --> 00:14:14,249
I will try my best to be there when you
need

245
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:21,029
me and give you strength when you need
someone

246
00:14:21,030 --> 00:14:22,080
strong.

247
00:14:37,979 --> 00:14:44,060
I will paint your pretty picture with a
song.

248
00:14:46,540 --> 00:14:47,619
I'll

249
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:55,439
tell

250
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,920
you tales of life as I see it.

251
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:03,460
And I'll paint your...

252
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,460
picture with a star.

253
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:57,610
line is 2012.

254
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:03,079
England is in the grip of a new and
terrifying regime. The country is being

255
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,160
by women.

256
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,660
Their secret beliefs are everywhere.

257
00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:15,199
Men, downtrodden and subjugated, are
forced to wear dresses and to have only

258
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,250
feminine lives.

259
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:30,219
Two such miserable individuals are
Cartwright and Chalmers, known to their

260
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:32,440
friends as Janet and Betty.

261
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:44,319
Janet's illegal showing of male
chauvinist films to the men's sewing

262
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,660
been discovered by a secret police spy.

263
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,660
And in a scuffle, Betty accidentally
shoots her.

264
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,680
And our heroes are left with the grisly
Tarth.

265
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,080
of concealing the body.

266
00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,050
When Betty arrived home that night, his
wife, Brian, was already in bed.

267
00:18:00,051 --> 00:18:02,719
How's the sewing circle tonight,
darling?

268
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,240
What? Oh, uh, fine, fine.

269
00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:06,500
Usual sort of thing, you know.

270
00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:08,320
Everybody's sewing things.

271
00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:10,580
How's yours coming along?

272
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,220
What? The thing you're sewing.

273
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:18,119
Oh, oh, uh... Oh, fine, I've introduced
it, actually. It's, uh... I've just got

274
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,040
to embroider around the neck, you know.

275
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,330
What, are you making a pair of French
knickers?

276
00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:27,949
Yes, if I am, yes. But they're
reversible. You see, you can put your

277
00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:30,630
through the leg holes and wear them as a
ballroom.

278
00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:33,070
Or upside down as French knickers.

279
00:18:33,510 --> 00:18:34,560
Yes.

280
00:18:35,790 --> 00:18:37,030
A bit drafty.

281
00:18:37,970 --> 00:18:39,020
No,

282
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,150
French knickers.

283
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:43,230
Oh, drafty, yes.

284
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:45,550
Round the neck, yes.

285
00:18:46,570 --> 00:18:48,390
Very sexy, though.

286
00:18:51,770 --> 00:18:52,820
Yes.

287
00:18:52,990 --> 00:18:56,470
Yes, don't do that, Brian. Not tonight.
I've got a bit of a headache.

288
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:03,260
Hello?

289
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:07,160
Oh, hello, Janet.

290
00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:09,750
Yeah. No, no, no, no. Brian's gone.

291
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:12,270
I got into a big row this morning.

292
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,110
I forgot to do our packed lunch.

293
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,209
Where are you coming from?

294
00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:17,710
I'm in the commander's office.

295
00:19:17,711 --> 00:19:21,249
So I'm risking my neck, old chap,
because it's about the films.

296
00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:22,300
We must bury them.

297
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:23,750
In the garden.

298
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,050
Oh, your garden.

299
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:29,010
Well, I've only got a window box and
that's full of my radishes.

300
00:19:29,940 --> 00:19:33,250
Hardly worth demolishing then to make
room for Gone With The Wind.

301
00:19:33,251 --> 00:19:35,299
Well, anyway, it's apt. That's not the
problem.

302
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,859
I've got 37 films to get rid of before
I'm caught red -handed and some

303
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,030
unfinished business in the auction
rooms.

304
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:42,740
Gone, Mr. Thompson.

305
00:19:43,580 --> 00:19:47,500
Next, lot 324, Victorian Oak Wardrobe
with fitted drawer.

306
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:48,930
This one, ma 'am.

307
00:19:54,051 --> 00:20:00,899
I'll bring the film down to the car this
afternoon. I'm on early shift.

308
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:01,950
What about 2 .30?

309
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:09,639
Oh, and there's one other... What the
hell do you think

310
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:10,690
you're doing?

311
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,300
I'm dusting the desk.

312
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,150
Sitting down?

313
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,530
Dusting the chair.

314
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,970
It's a new directive from the efficiency
department.

315
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,600
Very good for the figure as well.

316
00:20:30,110 --> 00:20:31,430
That will do.

317
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:35,750
I can use that method to dust my own
chair just as efficiently, thank you.

318
00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:37,080
More so.

319
00:20:37,130 --> 00:20:38,570
You've got better equipment.

320
00:20:38,850 --> 00:20:40,790
I'll be off then, ma 'am. Just a minute.

321
00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:42,300
Name?

322
00:20:45,350 --> 00:20:46,470
Uh, Julie.

323
00:20:46,950 --> 00:20:48,630
Where is your identity badge?

324
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:51,470
Uh, in the wash, by mistake.

325
00:20:52,060 --> 00:20:53,110
On my other penny.

326
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:56,240
Don't you know it's a punishable offence
not to wear it?

327
00:20:57,740 --> 00:20:58,790
Name.

328
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:00,810
Julie.

329
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:02,480
Julie Andrews.

330
00:21:05,340 --> 00:21:06,390
Sounds familiar.

331
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,940
It probably is. My great -grandmother
was very, very famous in show business.

332
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:12,480
Really? Yes.

333
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,030
Eamon Andrews.

334
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:20,119
You will report to this office at nine o
'clock on Monday when you will be

335
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,380
disciplined. Yes, ma 'am.

336
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:24,609
It won't take long, but I can assure you
that you will not use that particular

337
00:21:24,610 --> 00:21:26,900
method of dusting again for quite a long
time.

338
00:21:27,190 --> 00:21:28,240
Get out.

339
00:21:46,190 --> 00:21:48,660
You all right, then? I've just split my
knickers.

340
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,340
Pass me some more cans of film, then.

341
00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:57,590
Ah,

342
00:21:59,140 --> 00:22:00,280
what one's this, then?

343
00:22:00,281 --> 00:22:01,699
Robin Hood.

344
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:03,120
Oh, Errol Flynn.

345
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:05,200
He's a real man's man.

346
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,630
Yes. Bit of a lady's man, too, I
understand.

347
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:08,930
A lady's man, really.

348
00:22:08,931 --> 00:22:12,539
I'd like to have seen him do The Three
Musketeers. Yeah.

349
00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:14,100
He played all the parts himself.

350
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,390
Come on, then, otherwise your wife will
be ill.

351
00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:29,670
That's a big hole.

352
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:31,890
Thank you, Daphne.

353
00:22:32,380 --> 00:22:34,610
I thought you meant the split in my
knickers.

354
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,260
Are you digging out for the wife?

355
00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:39,000
No, I'm planting rhubarb.

356
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:41,300
Rhubarb? That far down?

357
00:22:41,301 --> 00:22:44,859
Oh, yes, it's marvellous. You see, by
the time it's grown up, you've got

358
00:22:44,860 --> 00:22:45,910
six feet long.

359
00:22:46,100 --> 00:22:48,210
I saw it on television, Penelope
Thrower.

360
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,020
Listen, the butcher's got some lovely
fillet in.

361
00:22:51,021 --> 00:22:53,339
Thought you could surprise the wife
tonight.

362
00:22:53,340 --> 00:22:56,499
Yes, thanks very much, Daphne, old chap,
but I don't really feel in the mood for

363
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:57,679
fun and games at the moment.

364
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,519
Ah, OK.

365
00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,419
Just thought I'd mention it.

366
00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:00,470
Cheerio.

367
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,210
Cheerio, Osborne.

368
00:23:03,980 --> 00:23:05,060
Has he gone, then? Yes.

369
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,740
Come on, let's get cracking.

370
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:08,350
Hello,

371
00:23:09,580 --> 00:23:10,630
cheeky.

372
00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:13,560
I thought I knew that face.

373
00:23:13,561 --> 00:23:17,019
Don't be so rude, you saucy monkey. Give
me two pints and a flavoured yoghurt.

374
00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:17,859
You're very late.

375
00:23:17,860 --> 00:23:18,799
It's Friday.

376
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,060
I'm collecting the money.

377
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,440
Anyway, I left you till last day.

378
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:25,510
I thought I'd get a cup of tea and my
legs up.

379
00:23:25,511 --> 00:23:29,119
You'll get a slap round the face if you
don't behave yourself. Now, go on off

380
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:30,719
with you. I'll pay you Monday. Go on.

381
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,040
Oh, well. No, I'll be trying.

382
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:33,410
Ta -ta, sunshine.

383
00:23:35,100 --> 00:23:36,940
Oh, dear.

384
00:23:36,941 --> 00:23:41,019
I thought you said you enjoyed complete
privacy in this garden.

385
00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:43,279
If I'd known, I'd have laid on some tea
and cakes.

386
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,079
I know.

387
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,460
It's incredible, isn't it?

388
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:46,760
Who'll be next, I wonder?

389
00:24:02,331 --> 00:24:09,019
Of course, you realise I'm going to have
to report you, don't you, Betty?

390
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:10,070
Report me?

391
00:24:10,380 --> 00:24:12,720
To the tape police? You can't. I must.

392
00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:14,460
It's my duty as a woman.

393
00:24:15,020 --> 00:24:16,070
I shall go on Monday.

394
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,960
But, Brian, I'm your husband, Betty.

395
00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:25,659
Thirteen years we've been married.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?

396
00:24:25,660 --> 00:24:27,340
I mean, look at us on the wall there.

397
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,090
Thirteen years.

398
00:24:30,580 --> 00:24:31,630
I'm lucky to sound.

399
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,460
That's a great help, isn't it?

400
00:24:33,461 --> 00:24:35,639
I suppose you realise what they'll do to
me.

401
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,439
I know what I'd like to do to you. You
disgust me. Those disgraceful films. You

402
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,079
deserve all you get. Well, in that case,
why wait till the money? Why not pick

403
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:42,859
up the phone now?

404
00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:45,690
Simply because I need to have the use of
you one more time.

405
00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:47,400
The use of me?

406
00:24:48,860 --> 00:24:50,420
I need a partner tomorrow night.

407
00:24:50,860 --> 00:24:52,300
Oh, of course, I'd forgotten.

408
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,680
The annual staff dance.

409
00:25:06,211 --> 00:25:10,779
My wife is going to report us to the
secret police.

410
00:25:10,780 --> 00:25:11,830
What?

411
00:25:11,831 --> 00:25:17,879
You've got to get out. We're going to
hide you. But before we do, we must get

412
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,819
hold of our identity files so they won't
know who they're looking for. All

413
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:24,230
photographs will have to be destroyed.
Look out.

414
00:25:24,900 --> 00:25:26,780
Hello, Betty. May I have this dance?

415
00:25:27,060 --> 00:25:30,200
Uh, not at the moment, thanks. My
girdle's killing me.

416
00:25:30,660 --> 00:25:31,710
Oh,

417
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,530
how about you, Janet? No, I'm afraid
mine's being a small nuisance.

418
00:25:36,190 --> 00:25:38,420
Come round to my place and I'll fix it
for you.

419
00:25:39,790 --> 00:25:40,840
Silly old trumpet.

420
00:25:40,841 --> 00:25:45,489
How's your wife going to report us? I'll
tell you later. There's no time now.

421
00:25:45,490 --> 00:25:49,009
But the point is, those identity papers,
now you work at the place, you've got a

422
00:25:49,010 --> 00:25:51,430
path. You'll have to smuggle me in. Are
you game?

423
00:25:51,910 --> 00:25:53,470
There's no other way? No, no, no.

424
00:25:54,010 --> 00:25:57,910
I know it sounds crazy trying to break
into the Tower of London. For God's

425
00:25:58,690 --> 00:26:01,190
Don't let anybody hear you call it by
its own name.

426
00:26:01,191 --> 00:26:04,799
Let's ease them, whatever you call it.
It's going to be blasted difficult to

427
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:08,600
in there. All right, all right. Have it
your own way, old boy. All right, then.

428
00:26:08,660 --> 00:26:10,770
We're going to break into Barbara
Castle.

429
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,170
Will Janet and Betty succeed in their
desperate plan?

430
00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:16,060
Or will the commander thwart it?

431
00:26:16,820 --> 00:26:18,540
Will she herself be thwarted?

432
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:23,519
To find out who thwarts what and to
whom, tune in next week to another

433
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,520
episode of The Worm That Turned.

434
00:26:34,429 --> 00:26:35,479
Evening, Mr. Parson.

435
00:26:35,870 --> 00:26:39,090
Evening, darling. Well, how's the beer?
Flat as usual?

436
00:26:39,091 --> 00:26:42,689
There was it, Mr. Parson. You'll have to
mind your language in here from now on.

437
00:26:42,690 --> 00:26:43,549
Look at you.

438
00:26:43,550 --> 00:26:45,970
What's that swear box? That's a good
idea.

439
00:26:46,410 --> 00:26:51,109
Is it for charity? The church fund. 5p a
time. Oh, you'll make a fortune out of

440
00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,690
me. You're right there. You owe me 20p
already.

441
00:26:54,710 --> 00:26:59,869
20p? 25 now. Oh, all right. You got
change for a win? You won't need much

442
00:26:59,870 --> 00:27:01,070
if you carry on like this.

443
00:27:01,230 --> 00:27:02,850
Oh, that's true, that's true. Two.

444
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:04,230
Right, I will.

445
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,090
Evening, all.

446
00:27:06,091 --> 00:27:07,099
Evening, Joe.

447
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:08,150
Hello, Gilbert.

448
00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:13,120
Oh, it's a bit... It's a bit... Fall
of... No.

449
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,440
20p from you, Mr. Robbins. Yeah.

450
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:20,660
Swear box in here now. Don't worry. Have
these on me.

451
00:27:21,460 --> 00:27:22,720
That's a good idea.

452
00:27:22,721 --> 00:27:27,079
With the church, 5p a time, see? Quite
right, too, but Thomas not did something

453
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,500
from a... Church? Yeah, those a lot.

454
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:31,900
What will cost you 10p?

455
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,650
10? Well, you know, you told me that.

456
00:27:35,670 --> 00:27:37,090
That's me. It's five people.

457
00:27:37,470 --> 00:27:38,520
Then ten people.

458
00:27:38,870 --> 00:27:40,510
I haven't made all this.

459
00:27:41,890 --> 00:27:45,469
I'm standing here like a... I'm going to
have a pint. I'm going to have a pint

460
00:27:45,470 --> 00:27:49,409
of best beer, Dolly, I think. What are
you going to have, Joe? I think I'll

461
00:27:49,410 --> 00:27:52,369
five pence with a silver, please, Dolly.
And I'm going to take this swear box.

462
00:27:52,370 --> 00:27:53,569
I'm going to sit over here.

463
00:27:53,570 --> 00:27:55,860
We'll have a decent civilised
conversation.

464
00:27:56,950 --> 00:27:59,120
Well, how's your love life then,
Gilbert?

465
00:27:59,890 --> 00:28:03,410
Non -existent, mate. Oh, not too grand.

466
00:28:03,770 --> 00:28:08,350
I had an argument with a wife last
Friday night about going to the dogs.

467
00:28:08,590 --> 00:28:10,470
I said I was going anyway.

468
00:28:10,830 --> 00:28:12,610
Get me round the table.

469
00:28:13,110 --> 00:28:17,430
What are you doing here?

470
00:28:19,370 --> 00:28:26,030
What did I do? I hit her back. That one
will cost you a pound.

471
00:28:26,790 --> 00:28:27,840
A pound?

472
00:28:28,090 --> 00:28:29,150
It's getting a bit...

473
00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:30,530
It's expensive in here.

474
00:28:30,950 --> 00:28:37,510
She's making a... Good evening, Donny.

475
00:28:37,530 --> 00:28:39,700
Oh, hello, Vicar. Good evening,
gentlemen.

476
00:28:40,110 --> 00:28:41,910
A double lemonade and water, please.

477
00:28:42,650 --> 00:28:45,150
I say, the swear box looks mighty full.

478
00:28:45,370 --> 00:28:47,850
Yeah, and Donny tells us all going to
the church.

479
00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:50,829
Yeah, that's a nice surprise for you,
eh, Vicar? Surprise?

480
00:28:50,830 --> 00:28:51,880
I'm the...

481
00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:06,660
Give us a checkbook, you spotty -faced
four -eyed git.

482
00:29:08,390 --> 00:29:10,790
I beg your pardon, sir?

483
00:29:11,050 --> 00:29:14,990
I think give us a checkbook, you spotty
-faced four -eyed git.

484
00:29:18,290 --> 00:29:19,430
Excuse me a moment, sir.

485
00:29:22,290 --> 00:29:27,730
Yes, this man said, give me a checkbook,
you spotty -faced four -eyed git.

486
00:29:31,690 --> 00:29:33,920
How much money have you got in your
account?

487
00:29:33,950 --> 00:29:35,690
140 ,000 quid, mate.

488
00:29:37,910 --> 00:29:42,329
Don't just stand there, you spotty
-faced poor... Thank

489
00:29:42,330 --> 00:29:50,390
you.

490
00:29:50,410 --> 00:29:54,750
Thank you very much. And welcome to
Ronnie Corbett trots out another old

491
00:29:55,470 --> 00:29:57,350
Not the most...

492
00:29:57,351 --> 00:30:01,529
scintillating of introductions, is it?
But my original name for this spot was

493
00:30:01,530 --> 00:30:03,990
going to be Ronnie Corbett Entertains.

494
00:30:05,910 --> 00:30:08,910
He said that sounded more like a
headline on News at Ten.

495
00:30:08,911 --> 00:30:13,609
And I've probably done under the Trade
Descriptions Act, which is the sort of

496
00:30:13,610 --> 00:30:14,709
publicity I can afford.

497
00:30:14,710 --> 00:30:19,349
Once again, I'm not, to be honest,
exactly the flavour of the month here at

498
00:30:19,350 --> 00:30:24,349
BBC. Thursday morning, I got an official
summons up to the Director General's

499
00:30:24,350 --> 00:30:25,289
office.

500
00:30:25,290 --> 00:30:27,530
The DG Leisure Centre, as it's known.

501
00:30:31,410 --> 00:30:35,729
He gets all the lavish treatment I could
get. He's got this sumptuous set of

502
00:30:35,730 --> 00:30:37,170
offices on the first floor.

503
00:30:37,450 --> 00:30:38,890
Used to be on the second floor.

504
00:30:39,130 --> 00:30:42,740
Then they moved it so he wouldn't have
so far to reach for the lift button.

505
00:30:43,970 --> 00:30:48,969
To be honest, I always get nervous going
into switch offices, you know, because

506
00:30:48,970 --> 00:30:51,910
with my height, I stand on thick carpet,
you know.

507
00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:03,639
my copy book on this occasion, I
somewhat thoughtlessly barred straight

508
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,159
to find he was sitting there having
lunch with the Prime Minister.

509
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:07,210
A bit embarrassing.

510
00:31:07,220 --> 00:31:10,360
There she was, you know, just tucking
into a bowl of tripe.

511
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,020
I said, I knew you'd eat your word
sooner or later.

512
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:27,520
I don't know why I said that. Get a
cheap laugh, I suppose.

513
00:31:27,780 --> 00:31:32,439
No, not unnaturally things got off to a
bit of a shaky start now after she'd

514
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:38,779
left the dj the dg rather the dg
beckoned me the

515
00:31:38,780 --> 00:31:43,719
dg beckoned me back in he said sit
yourself down cornet

516
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:49,779
sit yourself down he said anywhere on
the floor would be fine he said

517
00:31:49,780 --> 00:31:55,259
then he sat there puffing away at his
cigar for several minutes till he

518
00:31:55,260 --> 00:31:56,310
got the wrapper off

519
00:31:56,311 --> 00:31:59,149
I think he's a bit out of condition
myself.

520
00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:02,030
He leant back in this power -assisted
swivel chair.

521
00:32:02,310 --> 00:32:07,489
He said, the fact of the matter is, he
said, Cornet, he said, these quips you

522
00:32:07,490 --> 00:32:09,849
keep coming out with, I've been getting
complaints.

523
00:32:09,850 --> 00:32:14,629
That one you did last week, for
instance, Barbara Woodhouse, can't be

524
00:32:14,630 --> 00:32:17,100
tonight because she's gone down with
distemper.

525
00:32:18,950 --> 00:32:21,810
Frankly, he said, it's all a bit feeble,
Cornet.

526
00:32:21,811 --> 00:32:26,119
Now, either you buck your ideas up or
you'll go straight back to where you

527
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:27,170
from.

528
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,060
As a roadie for the Tetley T -folk.

529
00:32:32,980 --> 00:32:39,879
So, to make sure I'm in the clear this
week, I've decided to

530
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,280
let the audience here in the studio
choose the joke.

531
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,600
Now, they're all worrying now.

532
00:32:48,020 --> 00:32:49,880
Thinking, what's the regard to that?

533
00:32:50,380 --> 00:32:54,140
Can I be fairer than that? Now, any
subject you like, I will tell a joke

534
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:57,170
Just shout out the second thing that
comes into your head.

535
00:32:57,171 --> 00:33:00,959
It's a family show. So entirely up. What
would you like me to tell a joke about?

536
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,440
Two brothers who inherit two horses.

537
00:33:08,860 --> 00:33:12,040
Did I hear somebody say?

538
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:16,000
So much for democracy.

539
00:33:16,001 --> 00:33:21,449
If the Director General is watching, I
know what he's thinking. He's thinking,

540
00:33:21,450 --> 00:33:24,890
he told them to say that before he came
on. The devious little liar.

541
00:33:24,891 --> 00:33:27,509
Because he's like that, I'm afraid.

542
00:33:27,510 --> 00:33:28,770
A good judge of character.

543
00:33:30,010 --> 00:33:32,900
So here goes. These two brothers inherit
these two horses.

544
00:33:32,901 --> 00:33:34,829
I think we've just about established
that.

545
00:33:34,830 --> 00:33:38,080
Set the plot, haven't we? These two
brothers inherit two horses.

546
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:40,640
That's six bloody horses they've
inherited.

547
00:33:41,450 --> 00:33:46,370
One of them says, right, he said, we've
got these two horses.

548
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,450
He wasn't all that bright, this
particular one.

549
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:55,400
Right, so we've got these two horses. I
say we split them down the middle.

550
00:33:55,401 --> 00:34:00,479
Metaphorically speaking, that is,
because we're not in the hamburger game.

551
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:05,120
the other brother says, yeah, so we'll
divide them equally between us.

552
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:08,810
He's a damn sight thicker than his
brother.

553
00:34:09,340 --> 00:34:13,519
So we divide the two horses equally. So
that means you'll have one and I'll

554
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:14,570
have, um...

555
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,719
And I'll have the other one.

556
00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:20,959
Sounds like a meeting at the Treasury,
doesn't it?

557
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,079
How do you take each horse? They have
faced the problem of how to recognise

558
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:27,839
which one is which, you see. One of them
has a bright eye. He says, I know. He

559
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,260
says, I know.

560
00:34:29,261 --> 00:34:30,959
I wasn't bright there for the moment.

561
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:34,100
He said, I know. He said, I'll dock my
horse's tail.

562
00:34:34,101 --> 00:34:36,979
Then we'll know which one's yours, which
one's mine.

563
00:34:36,980 --> 00:34:39,738
So they do this. The following morning,
they find that some practical joker has

564
00:34:39,739 --> 00:34:42,799
gone and docked the other horse's tail
as well. So they're both.

565
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:45,510
Horses have got dog tails. Then they
have another idea.

566
00:34:45,679 --> 00:34:46,729
Two in one week.

567
00:34:47,820 --> 00:34:51,479
Bit of a record. Anyway, one of the
brothers nicks a little bit out of the

568
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:52,530
horse's ear.

569
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:54,040
Brilliant, says the brother.

570
00:34:54,041 --> 00:34:57,219
Now, we definitely know which one's
which. Of course, the next morning, some

571
00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,779
prankster's been at work again and
nicked the other horse's ear as well. So

572
00:35:00,780 --> 00:35:03,139
two brothers have to think about it.
Then one of them solves it. He says, I

573
00:35:03,140 --> 00:35:04,190
know, he says.

574
00:35:04,191 --> 00:35:05,539
He says, I've got it, he says.

575
00:35:05,540 --> 00:35:07,890
You have the black one, I'll have the
white one.

576
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,440
What seems to be the trouble?

577
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:20,140
Oh, doctor, I'm not ill.

578
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,930
Lady Frampton phoned me and said, come
at once, Sarah's not well.

579
00:35:24,180 --> 00:35:28,119
Oh, I'm all right. But she owes me six
weeks' wages. And I'm not getting out of

580
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:29,170
bed till she pays me.

581
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:32,610
She hasn't paid me for the last eight
visits I've made to her.

582
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:34,170
Move over.

583
00:36:17,130 --> 00:36:18,190
holiday plan.

584
00:36:18,610 --> 00:36:22,090
Took a drink with a very nice man.

585
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:29,330
Woke up here on a lumpy divan. In the
Sultan's army.

586
00:36:30,050 --> 00:36:33,490
Left port side in a fabulous car.

587
00:36:33,810 --> 00:36:40,389
Stopped for tea in a penny bazaar. Woke
up here in a C andA

588
00:36:40,390 --> 00:36:43,090
bra. With the Sultan.

589
00:36:51,530 --> 00:36:53,070
Rosie passed the Ruby Gate.

590
00:36:54,070 --> 00:36:55,890
Traveled in the winter rain.

591
00:36:56,650 --> 00:36:59,370
Started off to see the palm trees.

592
00:36:59,730 --> 00:37:01,770
Ended up as two stone days.

593
00:37:02,230 --> 00:37:04,450
Left our boyfriends Tom and Dick.

594
00:37:05,210 --> 00:37:07,350
Back at home in Hampton Ridge.

595
00:37:08,190 --> 00:37:09,990
Dickie's in the territorial.

596
00:37:11,110 --> 00:37:13,070
Tommy's in the local nick.

597
00:37:13,970 --> 00:37:16,330
I've got jewels and a gem that's rare.

598
00:37:16,570 --> 00:37:18,770
I've got Diamante in my hair.

599
00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,160
I've got tassels on my derriere.

600
00:37:21,300 --> 00:37:23,530
And I've got a garter, but I won't stay
where.

601
00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:29,159
I wear a tatter, and I wear a gauze. I
look glamorous in pink plus fours. In

602
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,719
desert when the night wind gnaws, you
can't beat flannel for your winter

603
00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:33,770
drawers.

604
00:37:42,340 --> 00:37:47,200
I can sing as smooth as silk. I get
barfing at this milk.

605
00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:58,139
I'm the blend of gentle

606
00:37:58,140 --> 00:38:01,040
rains, Jasmine nutmeg, gin and drain.

607
00:38:26,181 --> 00:38:33,969
He gave so many of us overpray to their
wishes. I'm flaunting my charms beneath

608
00:38:33,970 --> 00:38:38,109
the palms of fluttery eyes like Libby
and Gish. Turkish delights and Friday

609
00:38:38,110 --> 00:38:40,580
nights. I'm done up in Taffeta looking
delicious.

610
00:38:40,581 --> 00:38:44,269
Well, that was my fantasy till I began
to see all I was getting was washing the

611
00:38:44,270 --> 00:38:48,149
dishes. I'm stuck in the sink in silky
pink. I'm smothered in suds. A stone me

612
00:38:48,150 --> 00:38:51,749
as a rubber. I'm scrubbing the floors. I
do the chores. There's never a pause.

613
00:38:51,750 --> 00:38:55,529
I'm ready to blubber. There's never a
chance of wild romance. They pay me in

614
00:38:55,530 --> 00:38:58,720
washers and call me a scrubber. Sultan
Sultana, a little banana.

615
00:38:58,880 --> 00:38:59,930
No break.

616
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:06,639
Dusty gents in very romantic faraway
places. Floating me charms beneath the

617
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,000
palms. Sail or return on similar bases.

618
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,080
Turkey's delights on Friday nights.

619
00:39:11,300 --> 00:39:15,039
Me and me see -through, him and his
braces. Give us a perky, but turkey's a

620
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:16,220
turkey. It's no break.

621
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:29,130
He's a eunuch.

622
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:33,160
He's a eunuch.

623
00:39:33,980 --> 00:39:39,679
He's lofty, you'll agree, for he's over
six foot three, but he's just a wee bit

624
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:40,860
short for me.

625
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,859
Hey, now, he's the spotter man, in the
on and off the man, with bunions on my

626
00:39:50,860 --> 00:39:55,160
bottom, and a coat upon my chest,
putting on the classy ass.

627
00:39:55,420 --> 00:39:56,980
Dogs like Shirley Bassey wears.

628
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,840
Underneath our brassy ears, we've got a
woolly vest.

629
00:40:00,180 --> 00:40:03,820
See me do my belly dance like a lemon
jelly dance.

630
00:40:04,060 --> 00:40:06,800
Several points for elegance, 93 for
pluck.

631
00:40:07,580 --> 00:40:12,400
Do your belly dance, you shimmy like an
elephant. They call it a parelli dance,

632
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,000
a spare tyre run amok.

633
00:40:40,430 --> 00:40:47,089
But a dance that never failed A
masterpiece they rank it

634
00:40:47,090 --> 00:40:53,709
I've got seven veils And I've an army

635
00:40:53,710 --> 00:41:00,349
blanket Trapped in Turkey by a

636
00:41:00,350 --> 00:41:05,529
train For our loved ones sad and sick

637
00:41:05,530 --> 00:41:12,149
How I miss my darling For me, and how

638
00:41:12,150 --> 00:41:14,650
I miss my Hampton wig.

639
00:41:15,350 --> 00:41:19,230
Stop inside the Sultan's horse.

640
00:41:20,190 --> 00:41:23,970
Just a pair of indoor shorts.

641
00:41:25,150 --> 00:41:28,230
Rose of 47 suns.

642
00:41:53,450 --> 00:41:54,830
to hide your holiday money?

643
00:42:04,781 --> 00:42:11,989
Well, that's about all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late

644
00:42:11,990 --> 00:42:13,040
items of news.

645
00:42:13,050 --> 00:42:17,080
Jay Thimble Glutt, the Middlesbrough man
who doesn't smoke, drink, or gamble,

646
00:42:17,081 --> 00:42:20,829
and has never had a girlfriend, tried to
celebrate his 40th birthday today, but

647
00:42:20,830 --> 00:42:21,910
couldn't think how to.

648
00:42:24,270 --> 00:42:29,169
Scientists at London Zoo have finally
discovered why the two giant pandas have

649
00:42:29,170 --> 00:42:30,220
failed to mate.

650
00:42:30,550 --> 00:42:33,510
The parrot in the next cage works for
Mrs. Whitehouse.

651
00:42:37,870 --> 00:42:41,770
Engineers from the BBC have designed a
revolutionary new video recorder.

652
00:42:41,771 --> 00:42:45,389
Whilst you're out, it tapes all the
programs you hate and then automatically

653
00:42:45,390 --> 00:42:47,370
plays them back while you're on holiday.

654
00:42:51,610 --> 00:42:53,370
Dingle... Dinglepreem.

655
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:58,199
The first division's stroppiest player
was nearly involved in an accident this

656
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:01,379
afternoon when the dressing room caught
fire and he refused to move back ten

657
00:43:01,380 --> 00:43:02,430
yards.

658
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:07,640
And Albert Baggs, Fulham's leading
supporter, began a new job as a chef

659
00:43:07,740 --> 00:43:10,690
To make him feel at home, he was
relegated to the washing up.

660
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:17,539
In next week's programme, we'll be
talking to a man who is in prison for

661
00:43:17,540 --> 00:43:19,830
something he didn't do. He didn't wear
gloves.

662
00:43:21,301 --> 00:43:29,169
Finally tonight, good news from Hunslet
College Hospital. The man who ate Brillo

663
00:43:29,170 --> 00:43:32,480
pads in mistake for shredded wheat is
expected to scrape through.

664
00:43:32,481 --> 00:43:37,099
So it's good night from me. And it's
good night from him. Good night.

665
00:43:37,100 --> 00:43:41,650
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